My Heavenly Father's Love.

To have the approval of your conscience when you are alone with your memories can allow you to feel the Spirit of God in a very personal way

I read this quote this morning from Jeffery R Holland. It got me thinking. When I think of the time I spent on my mission I feel peace knowing that I served as well as I could have at the time. I definitely was not the best missionary, I definitely wasn't the best teacher. I doubted a lot! I was afraid of meeting new people, having to talk with big groups of people was the worst! But I know that I gave what I had, I tried. Nothing can take that feeling of peace away from me.

That is until my own mind thinks of all the times I failed. Those promptings I missed. That scripture I couldn't remember. All those times I couldn't do what I needed to. Did I really mess up that much? It's sad when your mind thinks of all the things you did wrong, rather than celebrating what you did right. And yet, we all do it so easily.

The trouble with criticizing yourself so much on a mission is that you are constantly working, and if you are constantly working, you are constantly finding ways to criticize yourself. And then the more you criticize the less you want to be out talking with people, and then if you teach less you criticize yourself for not talking enough! If that's not enough, you then feel bad for thinking about it so much and not trusting in the spirit to guide you! I just couldn't win!

Yet despite it all I really do treasure those times we had to meet so many wonderful people from different cultures, getting to know them, teaching the gospel, being a missionary, really experiencing the gospel itself, and the change it can place in peoples hearts, having a friend with you 24/7 who you can truly rely on. Both of us being able represent Jesus Christ and His church on this earth.

Even in those hard times which you get in life, there's always peace and joy to be found. It's never all bad. How can it be when we have a loving Heavenly Father looking out for us!

Annoyingly that was also something that I found highly frustrating for a large portion of my mission. I knew that Heavenly Father had directed me in so much of my life, especially as I look back. He has helped me through so much, showed me what I needed to do, and led me to specific points. So how on earth could I possibly question His love for me?! I'm not sure. But I did. Of course I understood the doctrine. I could understand that if he had done all that then, He would love me, kind of, I just didn't feel it. Every time we mentioned about being a 'Child of God' I would just feel empty. Dark. Jealous of those who did know. And in the end, despair that I was simply not good enough to feel His love in my life.

Every time I thought of it, it reminded me of our 'investigator' at the MTC, Sarah. She struggled to believe that God loved her also. I felt helpless and stumped by her question. 'Why would he love me?' because I felt exactly the same way. I wanted to help her! I shared one of my favourite scriptures that came to my mind. D+C 18:10;

Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God

A tear rolled down her face as she said 'I wish I could believe that, I really do. It sounds wonderful' I felt helpless and stupid. How could I be teaching this when I didn't even know. I wanted to believe too...I really did. More than anything! And as it says in Alma 32:27

...yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until you believe...

Having been a member of the church for nearly 20 years, how could I not know this?! How could I fail to understand this basic principle which every body seems to grow up believing and singing  along to 'I am a Child of God' and completely 'getting it'

I looked up many scriptures, talks and quotes during this time, searching for answers! Answers that I so desperately wanted. As we so often told investigators 'It's going to take time, we can't expect answers to come straight away. They will come after we've put in the work! And when the answers come we will treasure them in our hearts'

Cultivate a desire to know that God lives. This desire leads us to ponder on the things of Heaven - to let the evidence of God all around us touch our hearts. With softened hearts we are prepared to heed the Saviour's call to 'search the scriptures' and to humbly learn from them. We are then ready to ask our Heavenly Father sincerly, in the name of our Saviour, Jesus Christ, if the things we have learned are true

 This goes hand in hand with a scripture that always stuck out to me. A couple that I hold close to my heart. Doctrine and Covenants 88:63;

Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you; seek me diligently and ye shall find me; ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.

And again, a couple of verses later;

And if your eye be single to my glory, your whole bodies shall be filled with light, and there shall be no darkness in you; and that body which is filled with light comprehendeth all things. 

Therefore, sanctify yourselves that your minds become single to God, and the days will come that you shall see him; for he will unveil his face unto you, and it shall be in his own time, and in his own way, and according to his own will

I knew that I would receive an answer. It was promised. As long as I search diligently, and draw closer to Him in prayer I WILL receive an answer, but not in my time, or in a way that I necessarily desire. It would be in His time and in His own way. I just needed to be patient.

One of the many beautiful sunsets in Australia!

It wasn't until the last month of my mission that I truly learnt this. I grew closer and closer as I continued to pray to Him each and every day! It taught me a lot. He helped me through some amazing highs and some tough days, I felt closer each time I prayed and poured my heart out to Him. He listened. I knew it. He comforted me many a day. He gave me strength beyond my own! He helped me keep going when I couldn't see a way! And he certainly helped me find such great joy in doing His work each and every day while serving His children!

There were days were the only thing that kept me going was prayer. I would find it so hard to jump out that car knowing I had to teach a lesson, but remembering that they were His children, and He would help me get through this lesson so that we could be an instrument in His hands.

I remember one day just getting out the car and just being filled with some kind of despair. I just wanted to sit and cry! So I knelt by the car and prayed my heart out that He would help me! I opened my eyes and saw the most wonderful sunset! On one side of the sky there was a battle raging, such an amazing storm, lightening, dark skies and heavy rain! On the other, was the most beautiful sunset! So many colours, oranges, reds, pinks! It filled me with such peace and joy, knowing that Heavenly Father had created this earth for us. It made me reflect on my life. How there have to be both times of chaos, and times of such beauty. They work together to make us who we are!

But it wasn't until I received a blessing from my mission president, President Howes, that I finally understood. I finally knew! I felt His arms of love surround me and my heart was full. It was so peaceful. I am thankful that He made me work diligently for it, it truly has made me treasure it. And it is a sure knowledge I hope I will never lose. I will NEVER lose it. I love Him and I will strive to do all I can to serve Him for the rest of my life. I hope I can do all that He would have me do. I know that as we continue to live the gospel in our lives we will continue to grow stronger, we will continue to gain knowledge and He will help us through every single struggle we face until we stand victorious, and stand with our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ in that last day.

That which is of God, is light; and he that receiveth light, and continueth in God, receiveth more light; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day