Australia!! I think I was dreaming...

1st of January 2014. What better date could you arrive into the mission?! I arrived on the same plane as Sister Kirabyashi from Japan who I had met in Los Angeles! I was so happy to find someone else finally going to the same mission. Our in-take was rather big looking at those which came after us. Straight from the airport we headed to a place were we had our photos in front of the Sydney Opera House, I only wish I had remembered to take my camera. We each had our photo with President and Sister Howes, by ourselves and as a group. I had the wonderful opportunity of serving around a few of these missionaries especially Sister Schwalger who came with me to my first area, Quakers Hill. Then later on Sister Muramoto, who became Sister Schwalgers second companion. They were such a cute companionship and hard-workers! =)

My intake. 1st of January 2014. What better way to start a year! ♥

Heading back to the car after the photos I was just so taken in by everything, I wanted to touch everything, take photos, listen, take time to see it all. I was so distracted by everything! Subtly nearly walking into a bush...one way to start your mission on the right foot, having the stupidest response to doing so...'Oh, I do that all the time' Really?! That's the one thing that came to my mind in that situation?! Smooth.

My first thoughts. It's so green? Where's all the desert and kangaroos? It was SO exciting, it drew me in, I felt like I was dreaming. Maybe it was tiredness kicking in from lack of sleep. But it was almost MAGICAL! There was so much to take in. Strange looking plants and trees, insects with the weirdest sounds...wait, some people have lost their budgies! I wrote in my journal that night 'super jet-lagged and delusional right now. p.s BIRDS MAKE COOL SOUNDS' Yep. My thoughts of the day.

After the airport, and our little trip to the Sydney Opera House we went to the mission office and had our New Missionary Training. Soon after our trainers came in and sat around the tables too, and did our recitations (I thought I would never be able to learn them, especially D+C 121:33-46. It's so long!) and we went around the room sharing our testimonies. It was strengthening to hear others testimonies and learn of why they decided to serve.

After lunch? we were to be assigned our companions. I had spoken to Sister Manu and Sister McKinnon during the break, and felt it would be one of them, just wasn't sure which. I soon found out that it was Sister McKinnon, but they both served in the same ward so I would be living with both of them! I was so excited. Sister McKinnon and I just clicked and got on so well. We soon got onto role-playing how to share our testimonies in our new wards, much to my joy. I was extremely glad I didn't have to share it with the whole group. Pretty sure I would have just frozen and stood at the front rather stupidly.

Just after our little role-plays, our first day together!

Sister McKinnon was from Utah, Kaysville! I have so much love for her! She was an amazing trainer. She had so much patience, love, was understanding and kind. I am to grateful for the 4 months we were able to serve together! We were able to have so much fun together while serving. Through everything she supported me and picked me up when I was struggling, of which I am thankful, even if I didn't show so at the time. So many wonderful memories, laughs and miracles together of which I hold close to my heart.

I was extremely excited to get back to work, after the past 2 weeks at the MTC, and couldn't wait to meet the ward in which we were serving! But soon those little fears crept in. How on earth am I meant to teach members, they know so much more then us, they have experienced so much more then us, we are only young?! I don't know anything. Sure, I know the gospel, but they know it better. Why would anyone listen to me, I can't say anything right. Oh, please don't ask a question, I won't know the answer! I'll never be as good a missionary as my companion, she knows everything!

I look back and wished I'd have seen the true purpose behind it all. Yes, members do know it, but every reminder is worth it. Can we ever really hear this message too much? We are sharing Jesus Christ's message and we will be directed as to what to share. But then, would I think any different now? I'm not sure. I hope I would...Time will tell I guess. I would definitely pray to. 

Emotion. A little tricky?

Another random night of writing. I can't sleep. I lie down and my mind is suddenly racing with thoughts of every kind. Sleep when ya dead? Maybe so. Too many years have gone by and I would like peace. Too many emotions just swimming around in my head and no way of letting them out, or so it feels. Sometimes it's enough to leave you unable to cope with anything extra? Is everyone's mind this confusing?

I'm not even sure how to write the things that I feel. It's just over-whelming. Everything. Joy, pain, love, anger, regret, hope, frustration. When you do feel them it seems to all be at once, it's as effective as a piano being dropped on your head and still being expected to play it. Crushed. Stuck. One feeling at a time, right? No? ...How? Oh, this is impossible. There is no such thing as impossible, it's just I am yet to figure it out.

Where can I even start? One feeling at a time...how about the positives? Joy!

There so much in this life that we can celebrate! Joyous moments! But then, even just thinking on joy, others link in, love, understanding, gratitude, hopeful! This is why emotions can be so hard to detect. If everything is inter-linked how can we possibly separate just one? And if all good things come from Christ, everything else we feel is from Satan? So all the pain, anger, regret all belong to him? And therefore, we can give them back to him? Is it wrong to feel those other things? No. It's human. See, I can't stay on topic...Joy!

What have I found joy in? Many things. I truly love this life. Endless opportunities to do better, to try harder, to love more, to grow. So much potential. So much trust given to us from our Heavenly Father. So firstly, I have joy in knowing that we all chose this plan. We all chose to come and live on this earth together. Joy in the fact that we can help each other along the path, so that we may all return to our Heavenly Father, fulfilling that divine potential and destiny given to us. Joy in the gospel. Every part of it. Nothing in this beautiful gospel and plan is there to give us misery. Sure, we face challenges but over-coming them, does that not outweigh the misery? Knowing that we are that one step closer to becoming something better then we were yesterday!

I think of all the other things that can bring us joy, everything just interweaves with the gospel. Family! Without family, were would the gospel be? Nature! There would be no nature without Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, without the Plan of Salvation. But now I feel I am being too vague.

Something that brings me great joy is being able to take in the world around us. So much variety created, so much beauty, all for us to behold, with the bodies which were created specifically for you and I. All those sights, sounds, smells! Even a simple walk along the beach at sunset is wondrous. Every time I walk along the beach! Smell the sea air, the gulls crying out, feeling the wind on my face, the soft sand between my toes, the cool gentleness of the water tip-toeing in and out; it makes every thing so right.

Joy can be found in music, whether it be the gentle chirp of a bird or something a little more sophisticated. Music brings joy to my soul. Through music the spirit can speak to our souls, in a way that words simply cannot. The sweet sound of a violin, the flute, full orchestra that work so harmoniously together creating melodies to carve through time, leaving memories imprinted into their sweet strains.

There is much joy to be found in families! It would be amiss of me not to mention families would it not? There are many many emotions to be found within families also. But joy is definitely one of them. Joy in bringing new life into the world, joy at feeling loved and cared for, joy in seeing each other grow.

And yet, I feel confused also. I am fortunate, lucky, blessed enough to have been adopted and sealed into my wonderful loving family, for time and all eternity. I know I have been blessed beyond belief. Their love, patience, care for me is more then I could ever return. But a part of me still feels empty.
I just feel broken. Confusion. Guilt.

Emotions. Such tricky things.

MTC...

Ok, so I've been pretty slack at this. Life just gets in the way. Not that I've been too busy, just occupied in other ways. I have some time on my hands right now though, considering I tried sleeping and my mind doesn't want to rest!

Sister Bane and I on our first night
together in the MTC

The day after I arrived at the MTC we were assigned companions, our district and zone. We were given our companions name and then led to our classroom to wait for everyone else to arrive. Thankfully my companion was the only other person in the room so was pretty easy to find her. The other sisters in our district were Sister Garrett And Sister Robertson, both going to the Brisbane, Australia mission. 

Sister Garrett, Sister Robertson,
Sister Bane and I outside
Provo Temple!

A few days after we arrived we joined the MTC choir, where we found it we would be singing for the General Apostle who would come for the devotional on Christmas Day. It was rather exciting to be able to be a part of this. I wouldn't have joined up for choir had Sister Bane, Sister Garrett and Sister Robertson not done. I love music, I'm just not a singer in any form! So I went along simply to enjoy it. 

We learnt a song I had never heard before, called 'While Shepherds Lately Knelt'. It was a beautiful arrangement. The conductor gave us little facts about the song, and historical background along with it which helped us to put it into context and get the feel of the song. It was a really great experience and I'm glad the other sisters dragged me along! This was honestly one of the highlights of my MTC experience. Music always has such strength to it, and ALWAYS invites the spirit. It is one thing I've always found, while others feel the spirit more strongly in settings such as testimony meeting, to me it is in the peace, melody and words of the hymns and musical items.

Here it is if you have never heard it before!

So the classes started, hours of them. They were mostly interesting, but there is only so long one can sit and pay attention! I remember feeling so glad that my companion was sick simply because it meant we wouldn't have to go sit in the class. We even got to leave the MTC grounds to travel to the clinic! Freedom!! Turns out she just had a bad cold...and we were soon returned and gates came crashing down behind us. 

One of the best lessons I remember having was about studying The Book of Mormon. Something I was never really any good at before. I used to love reading from it when I was younger, at camp I'd always make the most of the quiet times and reading from the Book of Mormon and Doctrine and Covenants. As I got older this habit sadly dwindled. I am glad to say now I love it more then I ever could and couldn't imagine life without it. This class really helped me see how much we can continually gain knowledge from them, that everyone has a different view, as we all need to learn different things at different stages in our life. We had 45 minutes, and the instructions were to go round the class, reading one verse and stop whenever someone saw something that either showed God's hand or something stood out to them they were to share it with the rest of us. In the 45 minutes we did this we ended up only reading 3 verses! 

Something they taught us really changed my view on studying the scriptures. We all have those verse which stand out to us, we saw something 'cool' in them, or it touched us in some way, we noticed something new etc, but without applying it to our own lives then it would have been for nothing. Without truly pondering why it stood out, what we can apply in our lives to do with that then why are we reading the scriptures? Just to learn the stories? Don't get me wrong, the stories are great, but without looking into our own hearts we will not improve, we will remain the same and completely miss these opportunities for growth. 

It made me really desire to consider and ponder on the things I read continually. It really highlighted the importance and purpose of the Book of Mormon to me, especially found in 1 Nephi 6:4-6;

'For the fulness of mine intent is that I may persuade men to come unto the God of Abraham, and the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, and be saved. 
Wherefore, the things which are pleasing unto the world I do not write, but the things which are pleasing unto God and unto those who are not of the world.
Where, I shall give commandment unto my seed, that they shall not occupy these plates with things which are not of worth unto the children of men.'

Every thing written in this book is written for us, I find so much comfort found in that. It will help us overcome the challenges which we face, it will guide us in the way we need to go and it will most importantly help us grow closer to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ! As we focus on the doctrines found in the scriptures our lives will be filled with peace knowing that as we strive to follow the example of Christ we will help those around us. There is truly nothing in this gospel that is there to make us miserable, for every good thing cometh from Christ.

As I mentioned earlier on Christmas Day we had a devotional from one of the General Apostles of the Church. The build up to this devotional was rather entertaining, each MTC student taking guesses at who it would be. We wouldn't find out until they came into the meeting, it was extremely exciting! I was hoping it would be either Elder Holland or Elder Bednar! For those who don't know, we believe that our church has the same organisation that existed when Jesus Christ was on the earth, and so we have a living prophet - President Thomas S Monson, and also 12 apostles. They are called of God and lead and guide our church through revelation from God. They are His mouthpiece on the earth today. So getting to have a devotional from one of the 12 apostles is an extremely BIG thing! 

I was over the moon when we found it it was Elder Bednar! I absolutely love him! He always explains things in such a simple yet profound way. 

He was able to do a Q+A session with us. There were 200 phones handed out to us missionaries in the room to send a text with a question. Those viewing from other MTCs (it was broadcast) would be able to email questions to him, and they would all pop up on his i-pad! Pretty cool huh!

The first question he received was about feeling inadequate, and why do we still feel inadequate when we have been set apart? I loved his response! 

It's because you have a sense of what you have been called to do. If you don't feel inadequate you probably have a problem.  

He explained how he felt when he was first called as one of the Twelve Apostles, he felt extremely inadequate, but knew with the enabling power of the atonement he would be able to do all he was asked to accomplish. 

Another question was asked about repentance. I can't remember the exact question, it's in my other note book in Jersey, but I do remember part of his response that stuck with me. It really is so true, I hadn't viewed it this way before.

 'When taking the time to sin and repent; it is less time we could be becoming our full potential'

In his closing remarks he was discussing the importance of remembering who we were as missionaries, and to always remember who's work it was, and the true purpose behind it, as we followed the Saviours example in teaching we would be able to have the spirit with us. Another great quote that hit me one that I love so much. One that always comes to mind when I think of serving a mission now.

You are not called to a place, you are called as a full-time missionary of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. You are assigned to labour in a certain area.

It does not matter where we serve, as long as we serve with all our heart might, mind and strength to help forward his work. Having served in both England and Australia I can 100% agree with this. All that matters is that we are doing the Lord's work to the best of our ability. When I first set out in England I must admit, I did not want to serve there, but my heart was softened, I loved the people I was able to be amongst, equally as much as I love the people I served and met in Australia. It should not matter to us where we serve, only that we have the greatest opportunity in the world, to serve and bring people closer to Christ. 

I learnt a lot of things at the MTC, although it is still the only part of my mission I would not want to re-live. Looking back on my time there doesn't seem as bad as when I was there, sure there were things that I did not enjoy for example; not being able to call home on Christmas Day, my presents from family were in an unknown location and I felt like I was stuck in prison at the time (apart from the weekly Sunday walk around the Provo Temple). But there were a lot of things to celebrate! There was so much to gain in such a short time, friendships that will remain, and spiritual truths learnt. It wasn't so bad after all!

My Time in Salt Lake and the MTC

I was extremely blessed to be able to spend 3 days in Salt Lake before I actually had to enter the MTC. Great time to adjust, see a little of the area and spend some time with the wonderful Carli Christensen! It was great to be able to spend time with her. Carli was a wonderful sister missionary who served in Jersey back in 2011. I only really got to know her a few weeks before I moved to Bournemouth/Poole, but we kept in contact through email for the rest of her mission. She inspired me so much, she inspired me to change and become a better person and I knew she loved me for who I was. She is so full of life, and she was such a great example. I would always be excited to come back to Jersey to see the sister missionaries and to go out with them, not that we taught many lessons, we get stood up too much. ;) 

While I was in Utah I got to see life in the eyes of a normal utah'd. I went to UVU for the day. Definitely an interesting experience. Sure felt weird to be walking around the university with my missionary badge on and all, sitting in the classrooms with Carli, as obviously I couldn't leave her, being my escort. We went into one class, sat down expecting to be completely invisible and stay out of focus. Turns out they had a rule. Any visitors in the class are expected to answer a challenge of some sort. State 3 things you want people to know about you and 3 things you wouldn't want people to know about you. At first I was thinking 'Oh yeah, that's funny...Your being serious?!' Great. *Mind blank. Can I hide yet?!*

In the evening we had the wonderful opportunity of going to see the Christmas Lights in Salt Lake. It was beautiful! Cold, but worth it! It was with Carli and her mum. I loved it. It was such a relaxing evening to have just before heading to the MTC. The truly go all out in the decorations! I especially loved the...not sure what you call the water thing...but I love the gold things that were floating around in it, around the statue of Jesus' Birth in front of the Salt Lake Temple. Delightful! I love this family, and wish I could have spent a little more time with them, however, back to the mission!

The beautiful Salt Lake Temple at Christmas time!

MTC was a LOT different then I was expecting. I'm going to be honest, I did not enjoy it! I mean, it wasn't awful, but it is the only part of my mission I would not want to relive. It drove me crazy. Sitting down all day, listening, planning, watching clips...ugh. I was wished to be anywhere but there, and then went on to feel guilty for feeling that way. I should be enjoying it, right?

Carli Christensen dropping me off at the MTC! Woohoo...

 I'd already been out in the mission field a month. Why did I have to come here and learn how to do what I had been learning how to do in the field? By the end of the 2 weeks it felt like the life was being sucked out of me! Nothing was more exciting then being able to leave. And yet, everyone else seemed to love it. Am I doing something wrong? Why is everyone finding this extremely enjoyable? MTC felt like how I would imagine a prison to be. 

One thing that was fairly enjoyable was the food. Grief. I have never eaten and, hopefully, never will eat as much as I did at that time again. Pretty much ate my boredom away! Starting with Lucky Charms for breakfast! Gosh I miss those. If any of my American friends would want to send me an early Christmas Present I would be most grateful ;) Lunch and dinner would consist 2 platefuls of what ever was going! Sweet potato fries, chips, burgers...yep. My diet was awful. I only had a salad wrap once! I'd always go up for desert, pick the chocolate option, take a bite and realize it was the american stuff. Broke my heart every day! Although, not the most disgusting thing I ate while I was there. The prize for that would have to go towards the 'Blueberry and Sausage Pancake' So gross. Only Americans...

In addition to the food I also really enjoyed the weekly devotionals. In my 2 weeks there I had the pleasure of hearing from Elder Ronald A Rasband of the seventy, and Elder David A Bednar, of the 12 Apostles. Elder Ronald A Rasband spoke on my first night at the MTC. Tuesday the 17th of November. The talk he gave was all about spiritual gifts, how we can use them to help those around us once we recognize those which we posses ourselves. I don't remember too much about the talk to be frank. I was too busy looking up the scriptures he had been mentioning. Before he closed he challenged us to think about the gifts we thought we possessed, to write them down and also write down one we would like to improve. My mind was blank. What spiritual gift do I have?! None. I don't deserve to have one. The only thing I could really think of was my desire to help others and I wasn't sure if that counted. 

So next question. What would I like to improve. Slightly easier!  I desired to know that Heavenly Father loved me, that I was His daughter. I wrote in my journal 'I know he loves everyone else but for some reason I think, why would He love me? Yet I have been blessed with so much in my life. All I have ever needed, or could want. My family, friends, the gospel, opportunities to learn and grow. Yet somehow I still doubt' 

Next to that I had written a wonderful and well known quote from President Uchtdorf. 

'Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith' 

Easier said then done. We read many times in the scriptures that doubt withholds blessings from us, it stops us from really gaining that knowledge, if we just believed we would know. But how, how do we just allow ourselves to believe? What causes us to simply just cast the doubts away?