Another random night of writing. I can't sleep. I lie down and my mind is suddenly racing with thoughts of every kind. Sleep when ya dead? Maybe so. Too many years have gone by and I would like peace. Too many emotions just swimming around in my head and no way of letting them out, or so it feels. Sometimes it's enough to leave you unable to cope with anything extra? Is everyone's mind this confusing?
I'm not even sure how to write the things that I feel. It's just over-whelming. Everything. Joy, pain, love, anger, regret, hope, frustration. When you do feel them it seems to all be at once, it's as effective as a piano being dropped on your head and still being expected to play it. Crushed. Stuck. One feeling at a time, right? No? ...How? Oh, this is impossible. There is no such thing as impossible, it's just I am yet to figure it out.
Where can I even start? One feeling at a time...how about the positives? Joy!
There so much in this life that we can celebrate! Joyous moments! But then, even just thinking on joy, others link in, love, understanding, gratitude, hopeful! This is why emotions can be so hard to detect. If everything is inter-linked how can we possibly separate just one? And if all good things come from Christ, everything else we feel is from Satan? So all the pain, anger, regret all belong to him? And therefore, we can give them back to him? Is it wrong to feel those other things? No. It's human. See, I can't stay on topic...Joy!
What have I found joy in? Many things. I truly love this life. Endless opportunities to do better, to try harder, to love more, to grow. So much potential. So much trust given to us from our Heavenly Father. So firstly, I have joy in knowing that we all chose this plan. We all chose to come and live on this earth together. Joy in the fact that we can help each other along the path, so that we may all return to our Heavenly Father, fulfilling that divine potential and destiny given to us. Joy in the gospel. Every part of it. Nothing in this beautiful gospel and plan is there to give us misery. Sure, we face challenges but over-coming them, does that not outweigh the misery? Knowing that we are that one step closer to becoming something better then we were yesterday!
I think of all the other things that can bring us joy, everything just interweaves with the gospel. Family! Without family, were would the gospel be? Nature! There would be no nature without Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, without the Plan of Salvation. But now I feel I am being too vague.
Something that brings me great joy is being able to take in the world around us. So much variety created, so much beauty, all for us to behold, with the bodies which were created specifically for you and I. All those sights, sounds, smells! Even a simple walk along the beach at sunset is wondrous. Every time I walk along the beach! Smell the sea air, the gulls crying out, feeling the wind on my face, the soft sand between my toes, the cool gentleness of the water tip-toeing in and out; it makes every thing so right.
Joy can be found in music, whether it be the gentle chirp of a bird or something a little more sophisticated. Music brings joy to my soul. Through music the spirit can speak to our souls, in a way that words simply cannot. The sweet sound of a violin, the flute, full orchestra that work so harmoniously together creating melodies to carve through time, leaving memories imprinted into their sweet strains.
There is much joy to be found in families! It would be amiss of me not to mention families would it not? There are many many emotions to be found within families also. But joy is definitely one of them. Joy in bringing new life into the world, joy at feeling loved and cared for, joy in seeing each other grow.
And yet, I feel confused also. I am fortunate, lucky, blessed enough to have been adopted and sealed into my wonderful loving family, for time and all eternity. I know I have been blessed beyond belief. Their love, patience, care for me is more then I could ever return. But a part of me still feels empty.
I just feel broken. Confusion. Guilt.
Emotions. Such tricky things.
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