#BecauseHeLives - I can live also!

So it's been a while since I've written anything.

4 months in fact. And 6 months since I came home.

It's been a trying, challenging, hard 6 months. But 6 months of growth all the same.

When I came home from my mission it honestly felt like everything had just fallen apart. I felt like It seemed I'd hit the bottom. I soon found that that moment was yet to come. It was in December I reached my lowest and felt I could go no further, and in that moment I could have so easily have given up. I have never felt so much anger, betrayal, hatred and bitterness at once!

In that moment of complete darkness instead of giving up I found myself on my knees, praying so desperately for some peace because I knew Heavenly Father would help me through it, even if I didn't want to make it through myself. I needed a glimmer of hope, something to take the pain away.

He once again reached out and touched my heart. He understood how I felt, He understood what I was going through and He would help me through it. I turned to the scriptures and found one of my now favourite scriptures. It was found in Doctrine and Covenants 112:13 ;

'And after their temptations, and much tribulation, behold, I, the Lord, will feel after them, and if they harden not their hearts, and stiffen not their necks against me, they shall be converted, and I will heal them.'

It was beautiful. And although the pain did not go away straight away, it felt easier to bare knowing that in time I would be healed by the Lord; for He does not lie and cannot lie.

Over the weekend we have been blessed to have General Conference. Before conference I had been praying to be able to draw closer to my Saviour, Jesus Christ, and was truly grateful to hear the words of our dear Prophet and Apostles this past weekend. The testimonies of these truly great men, their Faith in the Lord, Jesus Christ are undeniable, and their strength and incredible examples inspiring.

It was exactly what I needed to hear. So many of the talks testifying of Jesus Christ and His love for us. So much wisdom and knowledge I wish I had, shared with us so that we can learn more of Him;

• Fear will be dispelled with faith in Jesus Christ. - Elder Bednar
• No one is predestined to receive less than all that the Father has for His Children.
• "Twas I. But Tis not I." (I may have been that person, but because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ I am no longer that person) - Elder Renlund
• The more we understand the extraordinary role of Christ in our lives, the more conscious we become of our purpose. - Elder Teixeira
• Never tire of discovering or rediscovering the truths of this gospel. - Elder Causse
• We cannot earn our way into heaven - President Uchtdorf
• With the gift of God's grace the path of discipleship does not lead backwards, it leads upwards - President Uchtdorf

General Conference this year filled my heart with such hope, joy and love for my Saviour because of these simple gospel truths we are reminded of each conference. After conference on Sunday evening I decided to head to my favourite place ever - the beach - to reflect on the words I had heard. I sat down on the beach and pondered, enjoying the quiet, warm evening. As I thought about the words spoken of the Saviour my heart was filled with such love.

I was actually taken back to my childhood. My favourite hymn to sing in primary was always 'I feel my Saviour's Love' I realised that I was beginning to feel how I once did as I reflected on those words in that sacred hymn;

I feel my Savior's love

In all the world around me.

His Spirit warms my soul

Through ev'rything I see.

I feel my Savior's love;

Its gentleness enfolds me,

And when I kneel to pray,

My heart is filled with peace.

I feel my Savior's love

And know that he will bless me.

I offer him my heart;

My shepherd he will be.

He knows I will follow him;

Give all my life to him.

I feel my Savior's love,

The love he freely gives me.

I offer Him my heart, and I do! This hymn explains exactly how I feel right now! This conference I was able to regain the understanding I had as a child. To accept that through His atonement and resurrection we CAN live with Him, and our Heavenly Father after this life. That yes, there will always be challenges in his life, but we are able to overcome them ALL because of His sacrifice. We have no need to fear. As we seek to learn more of Him, as was said in conference our purpose in this life will become more clear. I know that as I continue to strive to follow Him He will guide me, just as He has my whole life; and will continue to do throughout my life as I follow His perfect example. My heart is full. My Saviour will be my guide! #BecauseHeLives <3

I shall leave you with a quote that I just love!

'Commune with the Lord. He is your best friend! He knows your pain because He has felt it for you already. He is ready to carry that burden. Trust Him enough to place it at His feet and allow Him to carry it for you. Then you have your anguish replaced with His peace, in the very depths of your soul...'

Weaknesses. They can be overcome.

I am a very strong believer that you can work through absolutely anything. Just keep working and it'll all work out in the end. Rest? Slow down? Why? That would just be wasting time and wouldn't be able to do anything useful. It would help no-one to stop working?!

Again, President Ezra Taft Benson's quote would always come to mind. (Page 121 PMG. Diligence)

I have often said one of the greatest secrets of missionary work is work! If a missionary works, he will get the Spirit; if he gets the Spirit he will teach by the Spirit; and if he teaches by the Spirit, he will touch the hearts of the people and he will be happy. There will be no homesickness, no worrying about families, for all time and talents and interest are centered on the work of the ministry. Work, work, work - there is no satisfactory substitute, especially in missionary work. 

However, I also see it as my prime downfall on my mission. I couldn't relax or turn off. Much like normal I guess, but worse, as on a mission you always have something you can be doing of value, which I loved! As I have also read many times Doctrine and Covenants 10:4

Do not run faster or labour more than you have strength and means provided to enable you...

It just seems too hard to find a balance. Why would I want to, one option is to work, the other is to be lazy? There is nothing more to it! Not exactly. There are so many times in the mission I felt like I was being to slow down and take care of myself, I just didn't really want to listen because there was more important work to be doing! Keep working and it'll be fine, right?

There was always a long list in my mind of things that needed to be done, things that we had forgotten to do, things that we could do. We still needed to call that former, or we needed to go back and see that potential who lived on such and such street, and what would we teach them next?! I think it drove my companions a little crazy.

No matter how much I worked I could never do it well enough!

What was I doing right?! Am I doing anything right at all?! Am I really helping anyone here?!

God gives us clarity, but never doubts...

I couldn't really get my head around that. I didn't understand it. But I do now. I see it now. That is all that matters. He will show us what we need to change, how we can improve, lead us in the way we will become our best selves. He won't dwell on the things we've done wrong, or the things that we feel failed. We just pick ourselves up where ever we are, ask for His help, always. Follow the counsel given. He doesn't want us to hate ourselves, He see's the best in us, He see's our potential, He knows all we can achieve in this life. We need to put our trust in Him, and in so doing trust in ourselves, that we will do all that our Father in Heaven wants us to do as we allow Him to guide our lives.

He often shows us, with clarity, what we need to improve. As it says in that well known scripture. Ether 12:27-28

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness, I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

Behold, I will show unto the gentiles their weakness, and I will show unto them that faith, hope and charity bringeth unto me - the fountain of all righteousness. 

I remember sharing this scripture with one of our investigators. We'd been teaching him for quite a while at this point and he was just about to drop us. We had no idea why, we were just about to teach him the Gospel of Jesus Christ again. Me and my companion stood slightly stunned for a second, unsure of what to do. Just before he closed the door I felt strongly I should testify of Heavenly Father's love and how he doesn't expect perfection from us, we shared this scripture with him. It was such a spiritually strong lesson. Afterwards we found out one of his friends had been telling him all about how God said that once we were baptized we needed to be perfect, we couldn't make mistakes after that or else we would be lost. We were able to help him understand that that was not true. We are all human, all liable to making the same silly mistakes, yet through His grace and the atonement we can overcome them. We can become stronger.

I don't think I even understood it then. I mean, I knew the scripture, and I understood what it meant, but I don't think it had sunk in. We are not expected to be perfect. We do what we can and He WILL help with the rest as we turn to Him sincerly and humbly seeking, believing that He knows what we need to learn and when so that we can reach our potential.

Doctrine and Covenants 6:8

Verily, verily, I say unto you, even as you desire of my so it shall be done unto you; and if you desire, you shall be the means of doing much good in this generation

As we find peace with ourselves, knowing that we are striving to do our best and we just desire to do the right thing, we will have help far beyond our own in everything we do. That balance will be easier to find. Knowing that yes, He wants us to work, but He also wants us to take care of ourselves, do things we enjoy, take time to relax and enjoy the small things around us. He loves us, He wants us to be happy, and when we find that true happiness share it with those around us. 

Although it's a hard habit to change, it's getting easier to see the things I'm doing in a good way, rather then constantly pulling myself down over every little thing. I still need to work on finding that balance, but I feel I am getting there. He is definitely helping me. And I still feel as though I have no regrets from my mission. I tried to work hard, I tried to do my best. We made so many friendships, saw so many miracles, it shall forever be the best months of my life. I look forward to going back, being more positive and continuing the Lord's work.

By celebrating what's right we find the energy to fix what's wrong - Dewitt Jones 

My Heavenly Father's Love.

To have the approval of your conscience when you are alone with your memories can allow you to feel the Spirit of God in a very personal way

I read this quote this morning from Jeffery R Holland. It got me thinking. When I think of the time I spent on my mission I feel peace knowing that I served as well as I could have at the time. I definitely was not the best missionary, I definitely wasn't the best teacher. I doubted a lot! I was afraid of meeting new people, having to talk with big groups of people was the worst! But I know that I gave what I had, I tried. Nothing can take that feeling of peace away from me.

That is until my own mind thinks of all the times I failed. Those promptings I missed. That scripture I couldn't remember. All those times I couldn't do what I needed to. Did I really mess up that much? It's sad when your mind thinks of all the things you did wrong, rather than celebrating what you did right. And yet, we all do it so easily.

The trouble with criticizing yourself so much on a mission is that you are constantly working, and if you are constantly working, you are constantly finding ways to criticize yourself. And then the more you criticize the less you want to be out talking with people, and then if you teach less you criticize yourself for not talking enough! If that's not enough, you then feel bad for thinking about it so much and not trusting in the spirit to guide you! I just couldn't win!

Yet despite it all I really do treasure those times we had to meet so many wonderful people from different cultures, getting to know them, teaching the gospel, being a missionary, really experiencing the gospel itself, and the change it can place in peoples hearts, having a friend with you 24/7 who you can truly rely on. Both of us being able represent Jesus Christ and His church on this earth.

Even in those hard times which you get in life, there's always peace and joy to be found. It's never all bad. How can it be when we have a loving Heavenly Father looking out for us!

Annoyingly that was also something that I found highly frustrating for a large portion of my mission. I knew that Heavenly Father had directed me in so much of my life, especially as I look back. He has helped me through so much, showed me what I needed to do, and led me to specific points. So how on earth could I possibly question His love for me?! I'm not sure. But I did. Of course I understood the doctrine. I could understand that if he had done all that then, He would love me, kind of, I just didn't feel it. Every time we mentioned about being a 'Child of God' I would just feel empty. Dark. Jealous of those who did know. And in the end, despair that I was simply not good enough to feel His love in my life.

Every time I thought of it, it reminded me of our 'investigator' at the MTC, Sarah. She struggled to believe that God loved her also. I felt helpless and stumped by her question. 'Why would he love me?' because I felt exactly the same way. I wanted to help her! I shared one of my favourite scriptures that came to my mind. D+C 18:10;

Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God

A tear rolled down her face as she said 'I wish I could believe that, I really do. It sounds wonderful' I felt helpless and stupid. How could I be teaching this when I didn't even know. I wanted to believe too...I really did. More than anything! And as it says in Alma 32:27

...yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until you believe...

Having been a member of the church for nearly 20 years, how could I not know this?! How could I fail to understand this basic principle which every body seems to grow up believing and singing  along to 'I am a Child of God' and completely 'getting it'

I looked up many scriptures, talks and quotes during this time, searching for answers! Answers that I so desperately wanted. As we so often told investigators 'It's going to take time, we can't expect answers to come straight away. They will come after we've put in the work! And when the answers come we will treasure them in our hearts'

Cultivate a desire to know that God lives. This desire leads us to ponder on the things of Heaven - to let the evidence of God all around us touch our hearts. With softened hearts we are prepared to heed the Saviour's call to 'search the scriptures' and to humbly learn from them. We are then ready to ask our Heavenly Father sincerly, in the name of our Saviour, Jesus Christ, if the things we have learned are true

 This goes hand in hand with a scripture that always stuck out to me. A couple that I hold close to my heart. Doctrine and Covenants 88:63;

Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you; seek me diligently and ye shall find me; ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.

And again, a couple of verses later;

And if your eye be single to my glory, your whole bodies shall be filled with light, and there shall be no darkness in you; and that body which is filled with light comprehendeth all things. 

Therefore, sanctify yourselves that your minds become single to God, and the days will come that you shall see him; for he will unveil his face unto you, and it shall be in his own time, and in his own way, and according to his own will

I knew that I would receive an answer. It was promised. As long as I search diligently, and draw closer to Him in prayer I WILL receive an answer, but not in my time, or in a way that I necessarily desire. It would be in His time and in His own way. I just needed to be patient.

One of the many beautiful sunsets in Australia!

It wasn't until the last month of my mission that I truly learnt this. I grew closer and closer as I continued to pray to Him each and every day! It taught me a lot. He helped me through some amazing highs and some tough days, I felt closer each time I prayed and poured my heart out to Him. He listened. I knew it. He comforted me many a day. He gave me strength beyond my own! He helped me keep going when I couldn't see a way! And he certainly helped me find such great joy in doing His work each and every day while serving His children!

There were days were the only thing that kept me going was prayer. I would find it so hard to jump out that car knowing I had to teach a lesson, but remembering that they were His children, and He would help me get through this lesson so that we could be an instrument in His hands.

I remember one day just getting out the car and just being filled with some kind of despair. I just wanted to sit and cry! So I knelt by the car and prayed my heart out that He would help me! I opened my eyes and saw the most wonderful sunset! On one side of the sky there was a battle raging, such an amazing storm, lightening, dark skies and heavy rain! On the other, was the most beautiful sunset! So many colours, oranges, reds, pinks! It filled me with such peace and joy, knowing that Heavenly Father had created this earth for us. It made me reflect on my life. How there have to be both times of chaos, and times of such beauty. They work together to make us who we are!

But it wasn't until I received a blessing from my mission president, President Howes, that I finally understood. I finally knew! I felt His arms of love surround me and my heart was full. It was so peaceful. I am thankful that He made me work diligently for it, it truly has made me treasure it. And it is a sure knowledge I hope I will never lose. I will NEVER lose it. I love Him and I will strive to do all I can to serve Him for the rest of my life. I hope I can do all that He would have me do. I know that as we continue to live the gospel in our lives we will continue to grow stronger, we will continue to gain knowledge and He will help us through every single struggle we face until we stand victorious, and stand with our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ in that last day.

That which is of God, is light; and he that receiveth light, and continueth in God, receiveth more light; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day

Australia!! I think I was dreaming...

1st of January 2014. What better date could you arrive into the mission?! I arrived on the same plane as Sister Kirabyashi from Japan who I had met in Los Angeles! I was so happy to find someone else finally going to the same mission. Our in-take was rather big looking at those which came after us. Straight from the airport we headed to a place were we had our photos in front of the Sydney Opera House, I only wish I had remembered to take my camera. We each had our photo with President and Sister Howes, by ourselves and as a group. I had the wonderful opportunity of serving around a few of these missionaries especially Sister Schwalger who came with me to my first area, Quakers Hill. Then later on Sister Muramoto, who became Sister Schwalgers second companion. They were such a cute companionship and hard-workers! =)

My intake. 1st of January 2014. What better way to start a year! ♥

Heading back to the car after the photos I was just so taken in by everything, I wanted to touch everything, take photos, listen, take time to see it all. I was so distracted by everything! Subtly nearly walking into a bush...one way to start your mission on the right foot, having the stupidest response to doing so...'Oh, I do that all the time' Really?! That's the one thing that came to my mind in that situation?! Smooth.

My first thoughts. It's so green? Where's all the desert and kangaroos? It was SO exciting, it drew me in, I felt like I was dreaming. Maybe it was tiredness kicking in from lack of sleep. But it was almost MAGICAL! There was so much to take in. Strange looking plants and trees, insects with the weirdest sounds...wait, some people have lost their budgies! I wrote in my journal that night 'super jet-lagged and delusional right now. p.s BIRDS MAKE COOL SOUNDS' Yep. My thoughts of the day.

After the airport, and our little trip to the Sydney Opera House we went to the mission office and had our New Missionary Training. Soon after our trainers came in and sat around the tables too, and did our recitations (I thought I would never be able to learn them, especially D+C 121:33-46. It's so long!) and we went around the room sharing our testimonies. It was strengthening to hear others testimonies and learn of why they decided to serve.

After lunch? we were to be assigned our companions. I had spoken to Sister Manu and Sister McKinnon during the break, and felt it would be one of them, just wasn't sure which. I soon found out that it was Sister McKinnon, but they both served in the same ward so I would be living with both of them! I was so excited. Sister McKinnon and I just clicked and got on so well. We soon got onto role-playing how to share our testimonies in our new wards, much to my joy. I was extremely glad I didn't have to share it with the whole group. Pretty sure I would have just frozen and stood at the front rather stupidly.

Just after our little role-plays, our first day together!

Sister McKinnon was from Utah, Kaysville! I have so much love for her! She was an amazing trainer. She had so much patience, love, was understanding and kind. I am to grateful for the 4 months we were able to serve together! We were able to have so much fun together while serving. Through everything she supported me and picked me up when I was struggling, of which I am thankful, even if I didn't show so at the time. So many wonderful memories, laughs and miracles together of which I hold close to my heart.

I was extremely excited to get back to work, after the past 2 weeks at the MTC, and couldn't wait to meet the ward in which we were serving! But soon those little fears crept in. How on earth am I meant to teach members, they know so much more then us, they have experienced so much more then us, we are only young?! I don't know anything. Sure, I know the gospel, but they know it better. Why would anyone listen to me, I can't say anything right. Oh, please don't ask a question, I won't know the answer! I'll never be as good a missionary as my companion, she knows everything!

I look back and wished I'd have seen the true purpose behind it all. Yes, members do know it, but every reminder is worth it. Can we ever really hear this message too much? We are sharing Jesus Christ's message and we will be directed as to what to share. But then, would I think any different now? I'm not sure. I hope I would...Time will tell I guess. I would definitely pray to. 

Emotion. A little tricky?

Another random night of writing. I can't sleep. I lie down and my mind is suddenly racing with thoughts of every kind. Sleep when ya dead? Maybe so. Too many years have gone by and I would like peace. Too many emotions just swimming around in my head and no way of letting them out, or so it feels. Sometimes it's enough to leave you unable to cope with anything extra? Is everyone's mind this confusing?

I'm not even sure how to write the things that I feel. It's just over-whelming. Everything. Joy, pain, love, anger, regret, hope, frustration. When you do feel them it seems to all be at once, it's as effective as a piano being dropped on your head and still being expected to play it. Crushed. Stuck. One feeling at a time, right? No? ...How? Oh, this is impossible. There is no such thing as impossible, it's just I am yet to figure it out.

Where can I even start? One feeling at a time...how about the positives? Joy!

There so much in this life that we can celebrate! Joyous moments! But then, even just thinking on joy, others link in, love, understanding, gratitude, hopeful! This is why emotions can be so hard to detect. If everything is inter-linked how can we possibly separate just one? And if all good things come from Christ, everything else we feel is from Satan? So all the pain, anger, regret all belong to him? And therefore, we can give them back to him? Is it wrong to feel those other things? No. It's human. See, I can't stay on topic...Joy!

What have I found joy in? Many things. I truly love this life. Endless opportunities to do better, to try harder, to love more, to grow. So much potential. So much trust given to us from our Heavenly Father. So firstly, I have joy in knowing that we all chose this plan. We all chose to come and live on this earth together. Joy in the fact that we can help each other along the path, so that we may all return to our Heavenly Father, fulfilling that divine potential and destiny given to us. Joy in the gospel. Every part of it. Nothing in this beautiful gospel and plan is there to give us misery. Sure, we face challenges but over-coming them, does that not outweigh the misery? Knowing that we are that one step closer to becoming something better then we were yesterday!

I think of all the other things that can bring us joy, everything just interweaves with the gospel. Family! Without family, were would the gospel be? Nature! There would be no nature without Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, without the Plan of Salvation. But now I feel I am being too vague.

Something that brings me great joy is being able to take in the world around us. So much variety created, so much beauty, all for us to behold, with the bodies which were created specifically for you and I. All those sights, sounds, smells! Even a simple walk along the beach at sunset is wondrous. Every time I walk along the beach! Smell the sea air, the gulls crying out, feeling the wind on my face, the soft sand between my toes, the cool gentleness of the water tip-toeing in and out; it makes every thing so right.

Joy can be found in music, whether it be the gentle chirp of a bird or something a little more sophisticated. Music brings joy to my soul. Through music the spirit can speak to our souls, in a way that words simply cannot. The sweet sound of a violin, the flute, full orchestra that work so harmoniously together creating melodies to carve through time, leaving memories imprinted into their sweet strains.

There is much joy to be found in families! It would be amiss of me not to mention families would it not? There are many many emotions to be found within families also. But joy is definitely one of them. Joy in bringing new life into the world, joy at feeling loved and cared for, joy in seeing each other grow.

And yet, I feel confused also. I am fortunate, lucky, blessed enough to have been adopted and sealed into my wonderful loving family, for time and all eternity. I know I have been blessed beyond belief. Their love, patience, care for me is more then I could ever return. But a part of me still feels empty.
I just feel broken. Confusion. Guilt.

Emotions. Such tricky things.

MTC...

Ok, so I've been pretty slack at this. Life just gets in the way. Not that I've been too busy, just occupied in other ways. I have some time on my hands right now though, considering I tried sleeping and my mind doesn't want to rest!

Sister Bane and I on our first night
together in the MTC

The day after I arrived at the MTC we were assigned companions, our district and zone. We were given our companions name and then led to our classroom to wait for everyone else to arrive. Thankfully my companion was the only other person in the room so was pretty easy to find her. The other sisters in our district were Sister Garrett And Sister Robertson, both going to the Brisbane, Australia mission. 

Sister Garrett, Sister Robertson,
Sister Bane and I outside
Provo Temple!

A few days after we arrived we joined the MTC choir, where we found it we would be singing for the General Apostle who would come for the devotional on Christmas Day. It was rather exciting to be able to be a part of this. I wouldn't have joined up for choir had Sister Bane, Sister Garrett and Sister Robertson not done. I love music, I'm just not a singer in any form! So I went along simply to enjoy it. 

We learnt a song I had never heard before, called 'While Shepherds Lately Knelt'. It was a beautiful arrangement. The conductor gave us little facts about the song, and historical background along with it which helped us to put it into context and get the feel of the song. It was a really great experience and I'm glad the other sisters dragged me along! This was honestly one of the highlights of my MTC experience. Music always has such strength to it, and ALWAYS invites the spirit. It is one thing I've always found, while others feel the spirit more strongly in settings such as testimony meeting, to me it is in the peace, melody and words of the hymns and musical items.

Here it is if you have never heard it before!

So the classes started, hours of them. They were mostly interesting, but there is only so long one can sit and pay attention! I remember feeling so glad that my companion was sick simply because it meant we wouldn't have to go sit in the class. We even got to leave the MTC grounds to travel to the clinic! Freedom!! Turns out she just had a bad cold...and we were soon returned and gates came crashing down behind us. 

One of the best lessons I remember having was about studying The Book of Mormon. Something I was never really any good at before. I used to love reading from it when I was younger, at camp I'd always make the most of the quiet times and reading from the Book of Mormon and Doctrine and Covenants. As I got older this habit sadly dwindled. I am glad to say now I love it more then I ever could and couldn't imagine life without it. This class really helped me see how much we can continually gain knowledge from them, that everyone has a different view, as we all need to learn different things at different stages in our life. We had 45 minutes, and the instructions were to go round the class, reading one verse and stop whenever someone saw something that either showed God's hand or something stood out to them they were to share it with the rest of us. In the 45 minutes we did this we ended up only reading 3 verses! 

Something they taught us really changed my view on studying the scriptures. We all have those verse which stand out to us, we saw something 'cool' in them, or it touched us in some way, we noticed something new etc, but without applying it to our own lives then it would have been for nothing. Without truly pondering why it stood out, what we can apply in our lives to do with that then why are we reading the scriptures? Just to learn the stories? Don't get me wrong, the stories are great, but without looking into our own hearts we will not improve, we will remain the same and completely miss these opportunities for growth. 

It made me really desire to consider and ponder on the things I read continually. It really highlighted the importance and purpose of the Book of Mormon to me, especially found in 1 Nephi 6:4-6;

'For the fulness of mine intent is that I may persuade men to come unto the God of Abraham, and the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, and be saved. 
Wherefore, the things which are pleasing unto the world I do not write, but the things which are pleasing unto God and unto those who are not of the world.
Where, I shall give commandment unto my seed, that they shall not occupy these plates with things which are not of worth unto the children of men.'

Every thing written in this book is written for us, I find so much comfort found in that. It will help us overcome the challenges which we face, it will guide us in the way we need to go and it will most importantly help us grow closer to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ! As we focus on the doctrines found in the scriptures our lives will be filled with peace knowing that as we strive to follow the example of Christ we will help those around us. There is truly nothing in this gospel that is there to make us miserable, for every good thing cometh from Christ.

As I mentioned earlier on Christmas Day we had a devotional from one of the General Apostles of the Church. The build up to this devotional was rather entertaining, each MTC student taking guesses at who it would be. We wouldn't find out until they came into the meeting, it was extremely exciting! I was hoping it would be either Elder Holland or Elder Bednar! For those who don't know, we believe that our church has the same organisation that existed when Jesus Christ was on the earth, and so we have a living prophet - President Thomas S Monson, and also 12 apostles. They are called of God and lead and guide our church through revelation from God. They are His mouthpiece on the earth today. So getting to have a devotional from one of the 12 apostles is an extremely BIG thing! 

I was over the moon when we found it it was Elder Bednar! I absolutely love him! He always explains things in such a simple yet profound way. 

He was able to do a Q+A session with us. There were 200 phones handed out to us missionaries in the room to send a text with a question. Those viewing from other MTCs (it was broadcast) would be able to email questions to him, and they would all pop up on his i-pad! Pretty cool huh!

The first question he received was about feeling inadequate, and why do we still feel inadequate when we have been set apart? I loved his response! 

It's because you have a sense of what you have been called to do. If you don't feel inadequate you probably have a problem.  

He explained how he felt when he was first called as one of the Twelve Apostles, he felt extremely inadequate, but knew with the enabling power of the atonement he would be able to do all he was asked to accomplish. 

Another question was asked about repentance. I can't remember the exact question, it's in my other note book in Jersey, but I do remember part of his response that stuck with me. It really is so true, I hadn't viewed it this way before.

 'When taking the time to sin and repent; it is less time we could be becoming our full potential'

In his closing remarks he was discussing the importance of remembering who we were as missionaries, and to always remember who's work it was, and the true purpose behind it, as we followed the Saviours example in teaching we would be able to have the spirit with us. Another great quote that hit me one that I love so much. One that always comes to mind when I think of serving a mission now.

You are not called to a place, you are called as a full-time missionary of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. You are assigned to labour in a certain area.

It does not matter where we serve, as long as we serve with all our heart might, mind and strength to help forward his work. Having served in both England and Australia I can 100% agree with this. All that matters is that we are doing the Lord's work to the best of our ability. When I first set out in England I must admit, I did not want to serve there, but my heart was softened, I loved the people I was able to be amongst, equally as much as I love the people I served and met in Australia. It should not matter to us where we serve, only that we have the greatest opportunity in the world, to serve and bring people closer to Christ. 

I learnt a lot of things at the MTC, although it is still the only part of my mission I would not want to re-live. Looking back on my time there doesn't seem as bad as when I was there, sure there were things that I did not enjoy for example; not being able to call home on Christmas Day, my presents from family were in an unknown location and I felt like I was stuck in prison at the time (apart from the weekly Sunday walk around the Provo Temple). But there were a lot of things to celebrate! There was so much to gain in such a short time, friendships that will remain, and spiritual truths learnt. It wasn't so bad after all!

My Time in Salt Lake and the MTC

I was extremely blessed to be able to spend 3 days in Salt Lake before I actually had to enter the MTC. Great time to adjust, see a little of the area and spend some time with the wonderful Carli Christensen! It was great to be able to spend time with her. Carli was a wonderful sister missionary who served in Jersey back in 2011. I only really got to know her a few weeks before I moved to Bournemouth/Poole, but we kept in contact through email for the rest of her mission. She inspired me so much, she inspired me to change and become a better person and I knew she loved me for who I was. She is so full of life, and she was such a great example. I would always be excited to come back to Jersey to see the sister missionaries and to go out with them, not that we taught many lessons, we get stood up too much. ;) 

While I was in Utah I got to see life in the eyes of a normal utah'd. I went to UVU for the day. Definitely an interesting experience. Sure felt weird to be walking around the university with my missionary badge on and all, sitting in the classrooms with Carli, as obviously I couldn't leave her, being my escort. We went into one class, sat down expecting to be completely invisible and stay out of focus. Turns out they had a rule. Any visitors in the class are expected to answer a challenge of some sort. State 3 things you want people to know about you and 3 things you wouldn't want people to know about you. At first I was thinking 'Oh yeah, that's funny...Your being serious?!' Great. *Mind blank. Can I hide yet?!*

In the evening we had the wonderful opportunity of going to see the Christmas Lights in Salt Lake. It was beautiful! Cold, but worth it! It was with Carli and her mum. I loved it. It was such a relaxing evening to have just before heading to the MTC. The truly go all out in the decorations! I especially loved the...not sure what you call the water thing...but I love the gold things that were floating around in it, around the statue of Jesus' Birth in front of the Salt Lake Temple. Delightful! I love this family, and wish I could have spent a little more time with them, however, back to the mission!

The beautiful Salt Lake Temple at Christmas time!

MTC was a LOT different then I was expecting. I'm going to be honest, I did not enjoy it! I mean, it wasn't awful, but it is the only part of my mission I would not want to relive. It drove me crazy. Sitting down all day, listening, planning, watching clips...ugh. I was wished to be anywhere but there, and then went on to feel guilty for feeling that way. I should be enjoying it, right?

Carli Christensen dropping me off at the MTC! Woohoo...

 I'd already been out in the mission field a month. Why did I have to come here and learn how to do what I had been learning how to do in the field? By the end of the 2 weeks it felt like the life was being sucked out of me! Nothing was more exciting then being able to leave. And yet, everyone else seemed to love it. Am I doing something wrong? Why is everyone finding this extremely enjoyable? MTC felt like how I would imagine a prison to be. 

One thing that was fairly enjoyable was the food. Grief. I have never eaten and, hopefully, never will eat as much as I did at that time again. Pretty much ate my boredom away! Starting with Lucky Charms for breakfast! Gosh I miss those. If any of my American friends would want to send me an early Christmas Present I would be most grateful ;) Lunch and dinner would consist 2 platefuls of what ever was going! Sweet potato fries, chips, burgers...yep. My diet was awful. I only had a salad wrap once! I'd always go up for desert, pick the chocolate option, take a bite and realize it was the american stuff. Broke my heart every day! Although, not the most disgusting thing I ate while I was there. The prize for that would have to go towards the 'Blueberry and Sausage Pancake' So gross. Only Americans...

In addition to the food I also really enjoyed the weekly devotionals. In my 2 weeks there I had the pleasure of hearing from Elder Ronald A Rasband of the seventy, and Elder David A Bednar, of the 12 Apostles. Elder Ronald A Rasband spoke on my first night at the MTC. Tuesday the 17th of November. The talk he gave was all about spiritual gifts, how we can use them to help those around us once we recognize those which we posses ourselves. I don't remember too much about the talk to be frank. I was too busy looking up the scriptures he had been mentioning. Before he closed he challenged us to think about the gifts we thought we possessed, to write them down and also write down one we would like to improve. My mind was blank. What spiritual gift do I have?! None. I don't deserve to have one. The only thing I could really think of was my desire to help others and I wasn't sure if that counted. 

So next question. What would I like to improve. Slightly easier!  I desired to know that Heavenly Father loved me, that I was His daughter. I wrote in my journal 'I know he loves everyone else but for some reason I think, why would He love me? Yet I have been blessed with so much in my life. All I have ever needed, or could want. My family, friends, the gospel, opportunities to learn and grow. Yet somehow I still doubt' 

Next to that I had written a wonderful and well known quote from President Uchtdorf. 

'Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith' 

Easier said then done. We read many times in the scriptures that doubt withholds blessings from us, it stops us from really gaining that knowledge, if we just believed we would know. But how, how do we just allow ourselves to believe? What causes us to simply just cast the doubts away?